Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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