pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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