I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
