I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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