WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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