Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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