i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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