I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
