thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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