Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
even my farts smell like vagina
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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