I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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