summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize