i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
