you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
