I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
