I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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