I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
