I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
