i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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