2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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