I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
You smell like stripper and shame
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
