she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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