Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(541): View more from Oregon

She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.

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(845): View more from New York

If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?

Fav 11 1042 4170
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(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

Fav 8 1460 5619
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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

Fav 6 2416 3852
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(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

Fav 8 2875 1693
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(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

Fav 7 3510 1081
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

Fav 21 4118 1336
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(615): View more from Tennessee

When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick

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(940): View more from Texas

You planned on giving him head in the shower?

(214): View more from Texas

More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there

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