Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
