She's like a pop up book from hell.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
