It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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