It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
