Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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