I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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