why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Randomize
