im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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