I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
We left the knife in your bed.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
