my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize