what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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