Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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