I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
