do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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