I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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