are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
