i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
