Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And then he peed in my hair
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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