im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
