my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
