everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
