Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize