Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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