she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
