Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
