You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize