I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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