Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
