So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
