He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
