I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
